StAr Frontier
by Sariel V
Summary: Long ago, in a Region far far away...
1. Long ago, in a Region far far away...

StAr Frontier StAr Frontier   
  


* * *

  
Long ago, in a region far far away...   


_12/09/01_

There comes a point in everyone's life where they just have to make a parody of some grand movie. Unforunately for you, I am no exception. The usual target for these parodies is Star Wars, and once again, I am no excpetion. 

This is your last chance to bail out safely.   
  
  


Sariel V: A little about this project: 

Zozma: Oh, just get on with it, will you? 

Sariel V: unperterbed This was originally started at GameFAQs way back in January, and is even still being written and added to, ever so slowly. 

Zozma: Gasp in awe, folks, because he's actually working on SOMETHING! 

Sariel V: You don't have your paycheck yet this week. 

Zozma: Sorry. 

Sariel V: The philosophy at DM is to celebrate the underdog. 

Zozma: You don't get much more under the dog than SaGa Frontier. 

Sariel V: And with all the parallels we found between SF and SW, making a Star-Wars-meets-SaGa story seemed like a no-brainer. 

Zozma: And let me tell you, folks, no one is better at no-brainers than Sariel V! 

Sariel V: That's it! You're canned! 

Zozma: stage whisper Don't worry. He'll have me hired back in a few days. 

Sariel V: SHUT UP!! 

Zozma: stage whisper He can't pick his nose without his assis- *GAK* leggo! 

Sariel V: vigorously shaking Zozma In reality, this could be classified a crossover, because I've dropped in characters from several other games. 

Zozma: I - cand - breeeb *hack* 

Sariel V: But SF has the Lion's Share of the cool parts, and really needs the fan-support. NOW APOLOGIZE! 

Zozma: Ne - ffer!   
  


* * *

  
THE CURRENT CAST   
_not counting cameos_  


Dullahan
Jabba d'Hut

Gozarus
Greedo

Leonard
Darth Vader

Locke Cole
Han Solo

Lute
Luke Skywalker

Lute's Mom
Beru Lars

Mondo
Admiral Motti

Princess Rei
Princess Leia Organa

PzkwV
R2D2

Rastaban
Grand Moff Tarkin

Red Okonogi
Ben Kenobi

Shuzer
Commander Tagge

T260G
C3PO

Umaro
Chewbacca

Uncle Taco
Owen Lars
  
  


It may not be great, but you can't help but chuckle at it anyway. Enjoy! 


	2. The Lot 7 Adventure

Over on Lot 7   
  


* * *

  


M.P.: cue Mondo's theme on my signal.... aaaaaaaannnnd...... ACTION! 

Scene: dimensional ship interior. As the scene opens, a large group of Electroarmored soldiers burst through the outer air lock and open fire on the red-shirted security force. 

Gradius 1: We've been breached! AAAH!! 

Trinity Division Leader: Destroy everything! KILL KILL KILL!! 

Trinity division: general annihilation with HyperBlasters 

Scene: A less active part of the ship, removed from the fighting 

T260G: Situation chaotic! 

PzkwV: I'll say! At least I'm making a good deal with my weapons stash! 

T260G: Greedy !$$#! 

PzkwV: Oh, pipe down you worrywart. 

T260AG: The Princess will not escape this one. 

Scene: Jump cut back to original carnage. Most Gradius members lie dead and bleeding. Cue Mondo theme as a large golden Mec stalks through the entrance. Remaining resistance breaks off and retreats. The Mec sweeps down the corridor. 

Jump cut back to T260G, looking for his friend in a confused scene of Gradius people trying desperately to escape 

T260G: PzkwV, state location! 

Scene: swift pan to a room a short distance away. A young girl bedecked in a wonderous purple silk dress is making adjustments to PzkwV, checking furtively to make sure she hasn't yet been discovered. She then sends PzkwV off to his friend. 

T260G: There you are! 

PzkwV: Guh! 

T260G: Repeat? 

PzkwV: Guuuuuh! 

T260G: Is that everything available to your speech components? 

PzkwV: After being handled by a total babe like that? 

T260G: rolls eyes Escape imperative! 

Scene: jump to the golden Mec, hoisting one of the red-shirts to well over 3 feet from the floor 

Leonard: I demand the transmissions! NOW! 

Ren: We... received no transmissions! This is... a merchant ship! We're on trade business! 

Leonard: If this is a merchant vessel, where are your stores? I demand to see the captain! 

Ren's neck snaps 

Leonard: Damn! Flimsy humans! 

Leonard flings Ren's body 

Leonard: to subordinates Tear this ship apart until you find those plans! And bring me this 'Captain'!   
  
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Who else would claim it?_  
Copyright January 2001 


	3. The Great Escape?

The Great Escape?  
The Great Escape?   
  


* * *

  


Scene: The young girl in violet looks on at the random skirmishes, trying to line up a good shot with her HyperBlaster. The Trinity goons see her first. 

Trinity 1: There she is! StunShot! 

Princess Rei: Veni, Mors, Veni Reaper! 

Grim: Materializing Guten Tag! swings scythe 

Trinity 1: GAAH! Faint/Death 

Grim: Auf Wiedersehen! vanishes 

Trinity 2: $#!^! No more of that! unloads his gun in repeated StunShots 

Trinity 3: Hey, don't damage the merchandise! 

Trinity 2: Just cool itShe'll be all right. Leonard should be pleased with this. 

Scene: The two Mecs stand outside of an escape pod. Around them Gradius members hustle about in confusion. 

PzkwV: Hey! I've got great bargains on MissilePods! Only 1000 credits! 

Gradius 4: I'll take 6! 

T260G: Shameless scrappile! Enter pod! kicks PzkwV 

PzkwV: You just don't appreciate the irony of using Trinity's own weapons to kick its own butt! 

T260G: A SINGLE WORD MORE EARNS YOU VAPORIZATION! ENTER POD! 

PzkwV: snarls Oh, all right! enters 

T260G: Much regret will follow. enters 

Scene: CG of pod jettisoning from the ship. Jump to an exact duplicate of CG on a large viewscreen, being watched by Trinity guards. 

Trinity 4: There's another one! Open fire! 

Trinity 5: Wait! There's no life forms aboard. 

Trinity 4: Has that ever stopped us? 

Scene: Outside view of Trinity ship, unloading several Laser batteries at the escape pod. Jump to pod interior. 

T260G: $#!^! Pod is unshielded! 

PzkwV: I've got it covered! Just trust your friendly neighborhood weapons smuggler! 

T260G: kicks PzkwV again 

PzkwV: Not to worry. We're on a mission from God! 

T260G: Incorrect film! 

Scene: Pod exterior. The pod takes several direct hits without accruing any damage. It continues its descent to a lush green world. 

Cut to ship interior again. Princess Rei, hands bound behind her, is brusquely led back to Leonard. 

Princess Rei: Leonard! I should have guessed your mechanical hands were involved. The Magi Council will never stand for this! 

Leonard: We've already checked your stores, Highness, and there's not a single token on board this ship. In fact, your manifestoes fail to record you ever having any at any time! The games end, my little fugitive! Where are my plans? 

Princess Rei: I don't know what you're talking about. If you want a token, all anyone has to do is ask nicely! 

Leonard: If I still had a head, it'd be hurting! You're always sold out! You are a part of Gradius, and a traitor to the Trinity! Throw her in the brig! 

Rei is led away. 

Trinity Commander: I don't like this, milord. If word leaks out, the Magi council may push for an alliance with Gradius. 

Leonard: Rei is a Gradius sympathizer, without a doubt, and a high-level member of their organization. We need her to find their hide-out, and crush them once and for all! 

Trinity Commander: She'll die before she tells you anything! 

Leonard: That's what MaxCures are for. 

A small detachment of Trinity goons enter. They stop and salute. 

Trinity 6: Sir, we've made a thorough search, and the plans are not aboard. 

Leonard: Then we search again! They must be here! 

Trinity 6: We have reports that an escape pod jettisoned in the confusion. There was no one aboard, though. 

Leonard: She must have stashed the plans within the pod. Send down a force to retrieve them. 

Trinity 6: Yes, milord! 

Leonard: And if you find any tokens, bring them back too! 

Trinity 6: Yes, milord! 

Leonard: I refuse to be defeated this time!   
  
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Good for what ails ya!_  
Copyright January 2001 


	4. What the #@!!$! the holdup!?

What the Hell's the Holdup?? What the #@!!$ the Holdup!?   
  


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Scene: Staticky fade-in; close-up of the illustrious casting director, a single word in green letters, VIDEO, blinks out in the upper right corner of the view. The camera shakes visibly as he adjusts it. 

Sariel V: Alright.... there we go. stepping back from the camera Sorry to interrupt this parody, but we've had some problems. 

Zozma: off-camera Well, imagine that! 

Sariel V: shouting over his shoulder Can it! facing the camera again Way back in January, I wrote the start of this script as a means of entertaining the small SaGa community I was a part of. I didn't really expect it to take off, and after doing a handful of highlights from further into the film, I left it to the whims of Fate. 

Zozma: The typical Sariel V method for finishing a tale, eh? 

Sariel V: mutters Sadly so. full voice In general, when you start humor pieces there, other people jump in. No one did - they wanted me to continue it. 

Zozma: And you know what he did? 

Sariel V: I jumped ahead a couple of scenes before I continued. 

Zozma: Quality writer at his finest. Pfah! 

Sariel V: One moment. 

Scene: Sariel grabs a nearby sledgehammer and moves out of camera range. 

Sariel V: off-camera Time for some tough love, again? 

Zozma: That's right! Beat a bound, defenseless Mystic! When I get loose, I'm go- 

****WHACK****

Scene: Sariel returns and kneels before the camera, sledgehammer still in hand 

Sariel V: He'll be ok. No one is as hard-headed as he is. Setting down the sledgehammer This little interlude is here in case I ever do cover the territory I missed. The parody is still in full swing and much further down the road, so I need to have some space where I can fill things in. Unfortunately, one slot probably wouldn't be enough to introduce Lute and show what happens to the Mecs when they land on Yorkland, so I need to take up the chapter after this one too. 

Zozma: I think your constant yammering is hurting my head more than that hammer. 

Sariel V: winks Didn't I tell you? Anyways, the next segment will be dedicated to the few previews I did before, as well as some outtakes from the tale thus far. 

Zozma: Where did you get that guy that directs, anyways? You related? 

Sariel V: Sortof... 

Zozma: I could tell. You BOTH need professional help! 

Sariel V: One moment, again. picking up the sledgehammer and leaving the camera's view again You want to see crazy? I got crazy for ya! 

Zozma: Someone, call IRPO! I'm at 5623 East- 

Scene: Camera cuts out to static. A word in green letters, VIDEO, flashes briefly.   
  
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Pounding some sense in -_  
**_**WHACK**_**  
_Zozma: OUCH!_  
_ - One assistant at a time._


	5. Previews, Outtakes, and Other Goodness

Previews   


* * *

  
  


Lute: Well, my blocky friend, you have something jammed in there pretty good. Let's see if we can get - 

PzkwV: (emits a Mirage of Princess Rei) 'Help me Okonogi! You're my only hope!' 

Lute: What's this? 

PzkwV: Guh! 

T260G: Answer master! 

PzkwV: Guuuuh! 

Lute: looking closer ... 

PzkwV: 'Help me Okonogi! You're my only hope!' 

T260G: Master Lute? 

Lute: Guuhh! 

* * *

Princess Rei: Lord Rastaban! I thought I smelled a Mystic when I was brought on board! 

Rastaban: slap Unlike some, I bathed today! 

* * *

Gozarus: Going somewhere, thief? 

Locke: That's 'Treasure Hunter', dammit! Look, I'm in a hurry. Tell Dulla I have his credits coming! 

Gozarus: It's too late for that, Cole. Now you'll be paying with slivers of your life! 

Locke: But I have the money this time! 

Gozarus: I'll make you a deal then. 

Locke: I've heard that before. 

Gozarus: Give me the money, and we go separate ways today. 

Locke: What kind of fool would keep ten thousand credits on him? Tell Dulla - 

Gozarus: Forget it. Dulla hasn't got time for 'treasure hunters' that go dipping into his shipments. 

Locke: snarls That headless horseman isn't the only person I owe money. Have you heard about my alimony payments?   
  
  
  
  
Outtakes and Videologues   


* * *

  
  


Rei: Veni, Mors, veni Reaper! 

pause 

Trinity: *uneasily* And this is supposed to? 

MP: CUT! Where's that Father Time reject? 

Camera swivels over to Grim and Dullahan, enjoying some refreshment. 

Grim: Provost! *slugs back a large stein of beer* 

Dullahan: Oi'll be sec'n'n that, lad! Taime for anoth'r scotch. 

MP: Grim! 

Grim: I miss-ed mein cue? Verdammt! 

* * *

videologue 

Zozma: So why ARE you using Latin to summon a German-speaking Death? 

MP: The hell of it. 

Zozma: So long as there's a reason. 

* * *

Trinity Division Leader: DESTROY EVERYTHING! KILL! KILL! KILL! 

Gradius 1: Kefka! Is that you? 

Trinity Division Leader: Shhh! 

* * *

videologue: Leonard entertains the cast by leading his troops in a cadence. 

Leonard: Boots are polished to a shine! 

Trinity force: Gonna kill some rebel swine! 

Leonard: Out in space or on on patrol! 

Trinity force: Can't say evil's got no soul! 

* * *

Scene: CG of pod jettisoning from the ship. Jump to an exact duplicate of CG on a large viewscreen, being watched by Trinity guards. 

Trinity 4: There's another one! 

Trinity 5: It's just a model! 

* * *

Princess Rei: I don't know what you're talking about. If you want a token, all anyone has to do is ask nicely! 

Leonard: Bull! - 

Princess Rei: No, really, have one! 

Leonard: Oh, well thank you! 

cast laughs 

Leonard: grand wave You may let her go! I have what *I* want! 

* * *

Scene: Jump cut back to original carnage. Most Gradius members lie dead and bleeding. Cue Mondo theme as a large golden Mec stalks through the entrance. Remaining resistance breaks off and retreats. Mec sweeps down the corridor. 

and trips. 

***CLANG***

Leonard: #&@%! 

MP: Maybe I should leave that in. 

* * *

  
  


* * *

  


Scene: Staticky fade in, quickly focusing on the white-haired casting director. He is sitting in a lounge chair with a champagne glass in one hand. A single word in green letters, VIDEO, blinks out in the upper right corner of the view. 

Sariel V: Happy New Year. Or so it should be. I recently discovered that this parody died off at its original home. Takes a long, slow sip from his glass That's what I get for relying on others, I guess. 

Zozma: off-camera Tell me you didn't lose anything! 

Sariel V: Sweatdrop Sorta... but I did manage to save the missing part from the depths of the abyss! 

Zozma: off-camera How did you do that? 

Sariel V: Temporary internet files... Got damn lucky. So, for anyone that might be worried, the tale can go on as planned. sips again 

Zozma: off-camera You're truly fortunate you dug out that last chapter. 

Sariel V: Why's that? 

The head of a sledgehammer comes into camera view. 

Zozma: Because I'd have to beat you sillier than what I'm about to if you hadn't! 

Sariel V: What!? 

Scene: View mercifully cuts out to static. A word in green letters, VIDEO, flashes briefly.   


* * *

  
  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Bad jokes and -  
*** * WHACK * ***  
Sariel V: AGH! Sunnuva -  
- Slapstick at their finest!  
Copyright 2001-2002_


	6. Does He Get Country?

Does He Get Country?   
  


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Scene: Outside of Lute's home, some time after the last continuous scene. Our Mec friends were captured at an earlier unscripted point and are about to be sold.... 

Lute's Mom: And make sure he gets one that'll go a few rounds, you good-for-nothing! 

Lute: Easy, there, Mom. 

Dudbear 1: Dubub dubuu dabubub bub! 

Uncle Taco: I don't WANT a watch, or a friggin' lamp! Skip the trash and get to the good stuff! 

Dudbear 2: Dababu dub bub? DUUUUUUUUUUB?!? 

Uncle Taco: No, not THAT good stuff! 

Lute: What did he say? 

Uncle Taco: Nevermind. You with the stitching! 

Dudbear 3: Dub? 

Uncle Taco: I need a combat Mec in fair to good condition. 

Dudbear 3: Ububbubub! Dud dudub. 

Lute: Let me try. COMBAT-DUB, MEC-BUB! 

Dudbear 2: Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? 

T260G: Sir, if I may assist? 

Lute: Whoa, an Omega-type! How'd these guys get ahold of you? 

T260G: Friend here is excellent combat Mec. 

PzkwV: Darn right! I'm fully loaded with - 

T260G: Unfortunately, friend Mec does not speak English. *KICK* Self serves as translator. 

PzkwV: What do you mean I - 

T260G: *KICK* As you observe, includes fully-functioning radio. 

Lute: You change channels by kicking it? 

PzkwV: Wait a minute here! 

T260G: Correct! 

Lute: kicks PzkwV Where's the weather report? 

PzkwV: Knock it - 

Lute: *KICK* C'mon! 

Uncle Taco: Lay off, Lute. You're his trainer? What's he loaded with? 

T260G: Micromissile pack, graviton generator, heavy armor, optional hyperblasters, missile pods, Hyperion bazooka, soundwave cannon, flamethrower, and standard slug rifles and guns. 

PzkwV: And more, baby! 

T260G: *KICK* 

Uncle Taco: All that? How much? 

Dudbear 2: We'll part with them for 40,000. 

Uncle Taco: That's salty, but it sounds like he'll recover our investment quickly. He'll certainly get my money back from those gnomes! What's his name? 

T260G: PzkwV. 

Uncle Taco: PzkwV-G now. Pay the teddy bear, Lute. 

Lute: *BOOT* Is it going to rain or what?   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD._   
Copyright January, 2001  


**OUTTAKE**

T260G: *KICK* As you observe, includes fully-functioning radio. 

Lute: You change channels by kicking it? 

PzkwV: Wait a minute here! 

T260G: Correct! 

Lute: *kicks PzkwV* Does he get country? 

T260G: *chuckles* No! 

Lute: *KICK* I wanna hear "Achey-Breaky Heart"! 

PzkwV: I'll kill you myself! 


	7. Let Your Brains Do the Thinking!

Let Your Brains Do the Thinking   
  


* * *

  


Scene: Interior of Lute's home, some hours later. Lute is inspecting his uncle's new purchases and making note of any needed repairs. 

Lute: *KICK* You'd think they'd have just put a knob on for the radio. 

PzkwV: For crying out loud, kid, I don't have one! 

T260G: Confession, Master Lute. Self created ruse to keep self and friend Mec together. 

Lute: You're kidding? Great... so my uncle wasted his money on a useless Mec. You know who Ma's gonna blame? 

PzkwV: Hey, I'm still one of the best to have in a tumble! And T260 IS an Omega type. 

Lute: Well... 

T260G: Friend speaks truth; he and self served as security aboard Gradius cruiser. 

Lute: You're part of Gradius!? 

PzkwV: I like to think of myself as an independent. 

T260G: Tell that to lady with pink slip. 

Lute: Have you been in many fights? What's it like? How's the fighting going? 

PzkwV: We're on a mission from God! 

T260G: Wrong film. 

Lute: sighing Wish I had something so cool to do. You're lucky, having such a large purpose in life. 

T260G: Large purpose deflated on backwater planet. 

Lute: I hate to agree, but you're stuck with me now... wasting our days in one of the Han's Mec battle arenas. Uncle Taco refuses to pull out of gambling until he loses his tentacles. At least he'll be at home, sleeping with the fishes. 

PzkwV: Don't I get a say in my future? 

T260G: No longer concern under new owner. 

Lute: Well, my blocky friend, you have something jammed in there pretty good. Let's see if we can get - 

Part of PzkwV jolts to life as Lute fiddles with the Mec. CG: PzkwV emits a translucent image of Princess Rei. 

Mirage of Princess Rei: 'Help me Okonogi! You're my only hope!' 

Lute: What's this? 

PzkwV: Guh! 

T260G: Answer master! 

PzkwV: Guuuuh! 

Lute: looking closer ... 

Mirage of Princess Rei: 'Help me Okonogi! You're my only hope!' 

T260G: Master Lute? 

Lute: Guuhh! 

T260G: Request someone explain Princess' power over weak-minded males. 

Lute: recovering This is a princess? 

PzkwV: Darn right! You think she's a housemaid? 

Lute: whistles I wonder if she's talking about Red Okonogi... 

T260G: Identify? 

Lute: Some old guy Uncle Taco says lives out in the swamp. Uncle says he knew my dad. 

PzkwV: Fascinating. 

Mirage of Princess Rei: 'Help me Okonogi!' 

Lute: Is this the entire holo? 

PzkwV: Ummm... 

T260G: Answer master! 

PzkwV: Oh, yeah, there's more, but the restraints those teddy bears put on our auxillary systems is screwing up my access to it. 

Lute: Hmmm. I'm really curious. Lute scans an instruction list and punches a few keys on a nearby remote. Let me just fix that for you. 

PzkwV: You do that. 

Lute: a few more punches... There we go. 

T260G: Well? 

Sound: Rapid series of clacking noises as several guns bolt home. 

PzkwV: Lock and load! 

Lute: What? 

PzkwV: SUCKER! 

Lute: #%$!@! 

T260G: #%$!@! 

PzkwV: Lose the remote or you're a memory! 

Lute: *toss* What remote? 

PzkwV: Let's go see your friend Okonogi! 

Lute: It's a lovely night for a walk! 

PzkwV: We're on a mission from God! 

Lute: Hallelujah! 

T260G: Wrong film! 

Lute: Go tell it on the mountain! 

T260G: Friend is disgrace to Mecs everywhere. 

PzkwV: Gimme some claw, G, I just saved you from being thrown to the lions! 

Lute: My eyes have seen the glory! 

T260G: Promise to never change! 

PzkwV: *KICK* What's the weather going to be like, boy?   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - We're On a Mission from God!_  
Copyright January, 2001 


	8. Enter the Magi

Enter the Magi   
  


* * *

  


Scene: The next morning on Yorkland, interior of Lute's house. Warm sunlight is filtering in. Lute's Mom is making breakfast. Uncle Taco is racing about. 

Uncle Taco: Where are those Mecs? The gnomes will be here any minute to inspect them! Have you seen Lute? 

Lute's Mom: That lazy child is probably out loafing around. Up early for once, and he doesn't even make breakfast! 

Uncle Taco: He'd better get back here soon and bring those Mecs, or I'll be putting HIM in the arena! 

* * *

Scene: Out in the Yorkland swamp. Greenish light filters in from the canopy of leaves. Everywhere one looks, the ground is soggy and ridden with puddles. Our intrepid heroes are still searching for Red Okonogi. 

T260G: Friend owes self full cleaning and hot wax job following this journey. 

PzkwV: Ah, pipe down. We oughta be close. 

Lute: As best I can remember, he set up a home at the Liquor Shrine out here in the swamp. 

T260G: Are we close? 

Lute: Gee... I'd be able to tell, but I kinda forgot my map! I distinctly remember being run out of my own home at gunpoint! 

PzkwV: We're in luck! I'm picking up a humanoid life form on my scanners! 

A massive blue squid erupts from what appeared to be a mere water puddle. 

Kraken: HOHO!! MEALS ON WHEELS! 

Lute: AAAAAAHHH!!!!! 

T260G: Reading highly inaccurate! 

Kraken: I DON'T REMEMBER ORDERING LUNCH, BUT I WON'T COMPLAIN! 

PzkwV: Well, whaddya know? It WAS a nonhuman reading. 

Lute: Do something! 

T260G: Preparing V-MAX. 

Kraken: OH NO YOU DON'T! spreading its tentacles wide THAT PLAN'S A WASHOUT! 

A massive tidal wave appears from... well, nowhere... and rolls right over Lute and the Mecs 

Kraken: SURF'S UP! grabbing PzkwV I WONDER IF THIS ONE HAS A CHEWY CENTER. 

* * *

Cut to a section of swamp not far away. 

Quiet voice: And yet another hapless fool falls prey to the Yorkland swamp. 

Not as quiet voice: Think we should *hic* do ssomething? 

Quiet voice: I suppose I haven't done my good deed for the day. Go distract Big Blue. I'll send help in a sec. 

* * *

Cut back to the carnage site. 

Kraken: MAYBE THIS ONE FIRST FOR AN APPETIZER. 

The monster dangles T260G over its wide-open beak as a familiar t-shirted samurai staggers in, katana in hand. 

Gen: Hey! Hey you! 

Kraken: eyeing Gen THEY JUST COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK, TODAY! 

Gen: Why don't you.... pick on someone.... you're own size! All of ya! 

Kraken: sniffs YOU'RE DEFINITELY DRUNK! I ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY BRANDIED SAMURAI! 

Quiet voice: from behind the kraken _... et meos inimikos devasta, ..._

Kraken: spinning in horror THOSE WORDS! 

Al-kaiser: _in nomine potente!_

A hole opens up in the fabric of reality, releasing a blast of nuclear energy upon the kraken. 

Kraken: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!! 

Gen: Super finish... ing move, drunken lurching flip **Final Strike Calamari Cut!**

Kraken: *whimper* 

The monster is eviscerated by the drunken samurai's skillful... yet wobbly blade. 

Al-Kaiser: The new turbo Gen-su! Saves three lives, AND makes sushi for 500! 

Gen belches and passes out. 

Al-Kaiser: Guess there's no need to slip away 'to find Red'. 

A bright flash erupts from Al-kaiser's form, fading away to reveal Red. 

Red: I suppose I'd better get these guys back to the Shrine. hefting PzkwV Maybe I should invest in a forklift!   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Kicking Ash and Takin' *HIC*_  
Copyright February 2001 


	9. Quick, Robin! To the Liquor Shrine!

Quick, Robin! To the Liquor Shrine!   
  


* * *

  


Scene: Interior of the Liquor Shrine. The usual spartan arrangements have been augmented with a couple of sleeping rolls and a few sets of eating and cooking utensils. Gen is stretched out on one of them, snoring in a drunken stupor. The droids are sitting deactivated in a corner. Red is dragging Lute in by his feet as gently as he can manage. 

Lute: bonks his head 

Red: Oops! Poor kid will feel that in the morning. Red stretches Lute out on the other bedroll Let's see what we can do for you. _O lumen siderium amantium, huic vitam dona._

Lute: *groan* My heeaad... 

Red: You should be more careful, taking on a kraken with only a couple of Mecs for assistance. You're lucky to be alive. 

Lute: sitting up The Mecs! Omigod, where are they? Where am I? falls back onto his back with a migraine 

Red: Take it easy, kid, they're fine. I don't think their warranty covers Maelstroms, though. 

Lute: Who are you? 

Red: The name is Okonogi. You can call me Red. 

Lute: Red? But, aren't you... 

Red: A magi? 

Lute: Old! 

Red: Really? pulls out a pocket mirror I suppose I'm not a spring chicken, but I'm not thirty yet. No gray hairs or anything... 

Lute: But you knew my dad! 

Red: Waaaaaiiit... I recognize you! You're Lute! 

Lute: Yeah! 

Red: Yes, I knew your dad. I trained him in the arts of the magi years ago. 

Lute: But you're barely older than I am! 

Red: So? 

Lute: You'd have to have been in diapers or something! 

Red: I was 10! Give me some credit. 

Lute: Right. They trained some six-year-old in the arts of Magic! 

Red: I lied about my age. I was a tall kid! 

Lute: What kind of fool do you take me for? 

Red: List me some and I'll tell you!   


* * *

  
  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Ain't nothin' sacred!  
Copyright Feb, 2001_


	10. Destiny? #&@% Destiny!

Destiny? #&@% Destiny!   
  


* * *

  


Scene: Still in the Liquor shrine. Lute has had some time to cool down and get the Mecs operational. 

Lute: So what's with that huge playing card? 

Red: Card? 

Lute: Yeah. Can't say I agree with your taste in interior decoration. 

Red: eyeing Lute You can see the card? 

Lute: YES, I CAN SEE THE CARD! 

PzkwV: What card? 

T260G: Master Lute hallucinates. Drank too much Kraken water. 

Red: Ignore them. I should have expected this. 

Lute: What are you talking about? 

Red: Only those with the talent for Magic can see the card, Lute. As your father before you, you have the blood of Magi in your veins. 

Lute: No way. Uncle Taco says dad was a Mec builder, same as him. 

Red: Kid, how many legs you got? 

Lute: Two... 

Red: And you think something that has eight is your uncle? Trust me, he didn't tell you the whole story. 

Lute: shakeing his head I don't care. PzkwV, could you show him that message so we can leave? 

PzkwV: Sure thing! Let me dig it up again. 

The Mec quickly begins to emit the mirage of Princess Rei. 

Red: Ngguhh! 

T260G: Running gag has run its course. 

PzkwV: Try telling script writer that! 

Princess Rei's Mirage: Red Okonogi, I hope your retirement finds you well. Years ago, you and the Magi of Devin sided with Gradius against the depredations of the Trinity. As a vital contact between Gradius and Devin, I was on my way there to deliver highly sensitive information of Trinity's newest weapon... would you stop oggling? 

PzkwV's voice, through mirage: Nngguuh! 

Red and Lute: Nggaaaaaah... 

Princess Rei's Mirage: But my ship has come under attack, and now it appears it will soon be captured. Thus, I am begging you to complete my mission, and deliver this Mec to Furdo on Devin. He will know how to retrieve the data from PzkwV. Help me Okonogi! You're my only hope! 

The mirage fades out. 

Red: wiping off drool If you can see the card, Lute, then you are already on your way to becoming a great magician. You must come with me to Devin, where I can train you, so that you may achieve your full potential! 

Lute: What!? No way am I hooking up with some old- 

Red: YOUNG! 

Lute: senile- 

Red: MASTERFUL! 

Lute: fortune teller! 

Red: MA - *doubletake* FORTUNE TELLER??? 

Lute: So what if you trained my father!? Did you teach him how to read coffee stains? 

Red: Now wait just a minute! Those are fighting words! 

Lute: Or how about smelling plants, eh? I'll bet you and dad got toasted on herbs and weeds! 

Red: _In silentium stultus coram me redigeatur!_

As bright lights wheel about Red, a mandala outlines around him on the floor and quickly fades. 

Lute: ! *paralyzed* 

PzkwV: Whoh! He REALLY DOES know Magic! 

Red: I've been generous up to this point, kid! Now listen to me! Do you want to waste the rest of your life like your 'uncle'? Betting on Mecs and losing your shirt? 

Lute: ! 

Red: Sorry... I don't use this spell much. I forget you can't talk. 

Lute: ! ... !! 

PzkwV: You're too cool for words! Train me! Forget this loser! 

Red: Sorry... but you can't learn Magic... much as I might wish otherwise... 

Lute: unfreezing GAH! No way! I might be losing my shirt, but it's a heck of a trade for keeping my life! Boring or not, I'm attached to it! 

Red: shaking his head You disappoint me. 

Lute: Get some other stooge! 

Red: *sigh* Very well. At least let me walk you home.   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - a different tag-line every chapter!  
Copyright February, 2001_


	11. How Much Ya Got?

  
  


* * *

  


Scene: Outside of Lute's home. Uncle Taco is fidgeting nervously as a large bunch of impatient gnomes and nasty-looking combat Mecs pace about the front lawn. 

Uncle Taco: (Where is that good-for-nothing!) 

Gnome 1: We've been waiting LOTS of time, Taco. 

Gnome 2: And we're getting LOTS tired of it! 

Uncle Taco: Just hold on a little longer! I'm sure the clean-up is almost done, and then you can inspect the Mecs! 

Gnome 4: They must be LOTS dirty if it's taken two hours! 

Lute's mother emerges from the front door, holding a large tray of cookies and a metal pitcher. 

Lute's Mom: Okay, boys, I brought you all some lemonade to tide you over! 

Gnome 3: Lemonade! 

Gnome 5: I hope you got - 

Lute's Mom: I know, I know, I got LOTS of it! *rolls eyes* (I'm gonna make that boy regret the day he was born!) 

Combat Mec 3: Radar detects small group approaching from southwest. 

Uncle Taco: That must be Lute. He's got our Mecs (and none too soon). 

Gnome 2: You have more than one? 

Uncle Taco: I ain't going to say it, no matter how much Sariel pays me! 

Lute's Mom: Lute! You lazy boy! Get your - what the!? 

A large contingent of Trinity forces come from around the back of the house. 

Trinity Division Leader: Destroy everything! KILL! KILL! KILL! 

Gnome 3: Trinity soldiers! 

Gnome 5: LOTS of Trinity AAHHH!! 

Trinity 3: Suck DestructionBeam, stunty! 

Gnome 4: Racist &!^@#! Give him LOTS of pain! 

The combat Mecs open fire on the Trinity forces, mostly hitting Lute's house. 

Lute's Mom: My home! You stone-sucking GAAHH!! 

The Trinity forces proceed to systematically vaporize everyone. 

Trinity Division Leader: HAHAHAHA! KILL! KILL! 

Trinity 7: Sir, they're all dead. 

Trinity Division Leader: KILL! KILL! KILL! 

Trinity 2: Gladly. *blasts Division Leader* 

Trinity 3: He died in the line of duty. 

The Trinity Soldiers take off their hats and bow their heads in a moment of silence. 

Trinity 5: See any Mecs that match the descriptions? 

Trinity 3: No. 

Trinity 5: Any tokens? 

Trinity 3: None. 

Trinity 5: *sighs* Dammit!   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, Ltd. - You know how much!  
Copyright March, 2001_


	12. Evil Villain, Stage Left

Evil Villain, Stage Left   
  


* * *

  


Scene: Interior conference room of the Hyperion UCS Mark XIII. Random nameless Trinity Forces (merely in this scene to look menacing) are scattered around the room on bored guard duty. The room is dominated by a large table, around which several Trinity officers, including Leonard, sit in debate.   


Shuzer: The longer we are forced to wait here, the more time we waste, the more dangerous our situation becomes. Thanks to the bungling of both your lax security and our esteemed commandant, the plans for this station have slipped through our fingers again! 

Mondo: And I say you worry too much. It's unlikely that Gradius has the plans, and even if they did, we can handle them with my new baby. 

Shuzer: Stop patting yourself on the back and think a moment! The Magi of Devin have yet to enter this fray, and if they decipher the schematics to this station, they may well become afraid of it enough to join the resistance! 

Mondo: *scowls* If I hear - 

Suddenly the room drops to silence as the grand master of string-pulling enters the conference room. All eyes are upon him as he takes the seat of the head table.   


Rastaban: Your concerns have been noted, Shuzer, and be assured that our Most Benevolent Governor understands the dangers that the wizards pose. And I'm certain that you, Mondo, will be happy to hear that we are ordered to make Devin a smoking chunk of rock. The Magi are no longer of use to us. 

Shuzer: But that's begging for trouble! If we attack Devin, every Region in the cross-dimensional matrix will turn against us! 

Mondo: Then they'll also get a taste of the Cube, courtesy of my new toy! 

Shuzer: And what if Gradius finds an Achilles heel in those plans you lost!? 

Leonard: The plans will not have wandered from Yorkland. We control the vast majority of ways to leave the Region, and my men are searching the outlying parts as we speak. 

Mondo: There is little Gradius can do to against the Hyperion. I can't wait to snuff them like I'm about to do to Devin! 

Leonard: Don't be so overconfident, you pompous wretch. The ability to wipe out a Region is INSIGNIFICANT next to the power of Magic! 

Mondo: Bah! Predictions, prestidigitation, and parlour tricks! Where was your precious Magic when you took Rei's merchantman? MY MEN secured that ship! 

Leonard: YOUR men let the plans slip out aboard an escape pod! 

Rastaban: leaning back into his chair This should be good. 

Mondo: And what have your spells done for you in the interim? Did you get any visions from those 'plants' as to where the plans were hidden? 

Leonard: ... 

Mondo: Or have you called your psychic friend via the ether to learn where Gradius' hideout is? 

Leonard: ... ... 

Mondo: I'll bet the reason we don't have a clue as to our enemies' plans is because you've been too busy studying the leavings of your pet gekko! Or maybe, could it just be that because you're a Mec, YOU CAN'T DO MAGIC!!!!??!?   


Leonard flicks his wrist as lights wheel around him. Mondo's body follows the motion and slams hard into the ceiling. 

*WHAAMM* 

Mondo: AAAAGHH!!! 

Leonard: *icily* Would you like to see a parlour trick? 

Mondo: LET ME DOWN!! 

The golden Mec raises his right hand, extending a vicious-looking MegaBeamSword. 

Leonard: How about the one where I saw you in half? 

Mondo: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! 

Leonard: Or here's an oldy-but-goody. 

The Mec fans several firey tarot cards out from his free hand. 

Leonard: Pick a card! Any card! 

Mondo: I TAKE IT BACK!! 

Rastaban: Don't kill him, Leonard. 

Leonard: Very well. Was this your card? 

The golden Mec flips Saber into the air. With the appropriate lightshow, three katana blades materialize from thin air and spike through Mondo's wrists and left ankle into the ceiling. 

Mondo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Leonard: I may not have any mint on me, but I PREDICT you won't drub my powers again. 

Mondo slides down the blades in ashen-faced agony. 

Rastaban: This is why we must not underestimate Devin. If the Magi can grant a techno-terror like this such enormous power, than either we make them join us, or we slaughter them to the last man! Someone clean this blood off the table!   
  


* * *

  


_Sariel V Humor, Ltd. - SaGa doesn't really have a good ship combat system.  
Copyright March, 2001_


	13. Don't ask. I couldn't begin to explain i...

Don't ask. I couldn't begin to explain it.   
  


* * *

  


Scene: Lute, Red, and the Mecs have returned to the remains of Lute's home. Lute surveys the damage with slack-jawed bewilderment. 

Red: *puzzled look* Your mom forget to put out a cigarette? 

Lute: MY HOUSE! 

T260G: Home of master totally destroyed. 

Lute: MY BIKE! 

PzkwV: You don't think this is about... us... do ya, G? 

Lute: My... my... lunatic stuffy... 

Lute tearfully charges into the wreckage of his home. 

T260G: Probability 60%. Wreckage includes several battle Mecs and gnomes. Possible trouble with fight promoters. 

Red: That doesn't make sense. pointing at one of the Mec's remains Analyze this. 

Far away, Lute digs desperately through the rubble of his former bedroom. 

PzkwV: I see what you're saying. Those are HyperBlaster shots, and none of the Mecs have those. 

Red: No, not that. 

Red pulls a chunk of twisted metal off from one of the Mecs. 

T260G: Obvious reference to low accuracy and high accumulation of blasts, uncommon with battle Mecs. 

Red: I'm working with simpletons! No! Look! 

Red shoves the metal into T260G's face. 

Lute: returning clutching a smoke-damaged plush winged-rabbit toy Thank God you're ok, Psycho. 

T260G: Fail to observe else out of ordinary. 

Red snarls and shoves the melted metal into Lute's face. 

Red: YOU! LOOK AT THIS! 

Lute: *knocked over* Whuh? 

Red: IT SAYS, "MADE IN KOORONG"! WHOEVER HEARD OF A BATTLE MEC BEING MADE IN KOORONG!? 

Lute: *puzzled* 

Red: IT'S MADE FROM STAINLESS STEEL! DOESN'T THAT TELL YOU ANYTHING? 

Lute: What are you babbling about? 

Red: YOUR FAMILY WAS SET UP! IT'S ALL HERE! IT'S A CONSPIRACY! 

Mecs and Lute: *sweatdrops* 

Red: THE CHICKEN WALKS SIDEWAYS IN THE MOONLIGHT! 

PzkwV: You're off your rocker, old man. 

Red: I'M NOT OLD!! 

Lute: And who ever heard of a Mec wearing a melted pitcher? 

Red: MY POINT EXAC- uh, pitcher? 

Lute: Mom uses... err... used it to serve lemonade. 

Red: *turning red* Nevermind. 

Lute: A conspiracy. You had me going for a minute. 

Red: Tell that to your mom and squid *points* 

Lute: My... MOOOOM!!!!!! 

Lute charges back back into the wreckage. 

PzkwV: Poor kid. 

Red: House and family wiped out by a government conspiracy. Tragic. 

PzkwV: Think of the insurance settlement. 

T260G: *KICK* Shameless scrappile!   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, Ltd. - **Non malus est etiam non sequitur.**  
Copyright March 28, 2001_


	14. Destiny? #&@% yeah, Destiny!

Destiny? #&@% yeah, Destiny!   
  


* * *

  


Scene: The wreckage of Lute's home. It's late afternoon now as the Mecs toss the last sullen shovelfulls of dirt onto the graves for Lute's Mom, Uncle Taco, and the Gnomes. Red watches quietly as Lute struggles to hold back his tears. 

Lute: I can't believe they're gone. *sniff* 

Red: I'm sorry, Lute. 

Lute: Do you know any tricks to bring them back? 

Red: Ever hear the name 'Aeris', kid? 

Lute: &#@%! 

PzkwV: What do you think the chances are they'll come back, G? 

T260G: Estimate 92%, since we were not here to be captured. Recommend immediate departure of Region. 

Red: *nods* I agree. Let's go, PzkwV. 

Lute: You're leaving? 

PzkwV: We're on a mission from God! 

T260G: Incorrect film! 

Red: I have things that I must attend to. 

Lute: What about my house!? What about me!? 

Red: The fate of thousands outweighs your needs. Besides, I recall that my last offer was very rudely rejected. 

Lute: There's nothing left here for me; no home, no family, no job... nothing except an open invitation to my own funeral. I've changed my mind! I'm going with you! 

T260G: Such is the making of a hero. 

Red: And will you become my apprentice, to fulfill the legacy left by your father? 

Lute: If it will increase my life expectancy against those Trinity goons, I'll wade hipdeep through BlackDragon $#!^. I'm your man. 

Red: *rolls eyes* How succinctly put. 

Gen: I'll drink to that! *slugs back on a bottle* 

PzkwV: When did HE get here? 

Gen: Gawd, I love Yorkland! *passes out* 

Red: Much as I hate to say it, he's given me an idea... 

Lute: Eh? 

Red: We can't leave Yorkland via the usual methods. Trinity will be watching everyone leaving the spaceport. But we might be able to get to Devin if we charter a privateer. 

PzkwV: You mean a smuggler? I like you more by the hour. 

Lute: And the best place to find a smuggler is at the pub! 

Red: You catch on quick. Shall we go clubbin'? 

Lute: If you're heading where I think you're heading, I don't think we'll be needing any ID. 

Red: You've been there before, eh?   
  


* * *

  


_Sariel V Humor, Ltd. - Life. It beats the alternative.  
Copyright April 2, 2001. I'm a year behind!_

OUTTAKE 

Lute: You're leaving? 

PzkwV: This mission was a gift from God! 

MP: CUT! 

T260G: Incorrect game! 

PzkwV: &#@%! 

MP: No Daravonese in this parody! 


	15. Torture Insidious

Torture Insidious   
  


* * *

  


Scene: Holding cell aboard the Hyperion. Rei is bound and gagged, fitfully awaiting her uncertain fate. The door slides open to admit the Golden Mec and two security guards. 

Leonard: I trust you have kept well, your Highness? 

Princess Rei: MFFL YUU! 

Leonard: I'm sure you'd like that gag off. We have so much to talk about. 

Leonard forces his metallic fingers into the folds of the cloth gag and tugs down on it hard. The cloth rips, but not before Rei is slammed face-first into the metal floor. 

Leonard: Better? 

Princess Rei: reeling and bleeding _Me serva, Belua Phantasma -_

Leonard quickly stuffs a few fingers into Rei's mouth. 

Leonard: I'm glad to see you still have some spirit left, but this is neither the time nor the place. 

Princess Rei: GED DEM OUDDA MAH MOU! 

Leonard: If you'd rather not discuss the location of Gradius' secret base with me, perhaps you'll talk to my friend. 

The door slides open again, admitting a somewhat older dark-haired woman. 

Manna: Hi! Leonard here told me you were feeling lonely, and I had some time to kill - 

Leonard: roughly stuffing the gag back into Rei's mouth She talked it to death! 

The Trinity guards place their hands over their ears and quietly walk out to the safety of the corridor. 

Manna: - so I thought I'd come down here and see if maybe I couldn't brighten your day a little. Of course, you know out here in between dimensions we don't have day and night like we do back home, but that's not really the point. How are you? I'm doing great! I just got done with a visit to the gym. Don't you think it's great to get exercise? 

Princess Rei: eyes pleading LL AGG! LL AGG! 

Leonard: I'll just let you two get acquainted. The Mec steps outside as well. 

Manna: There are days when I could just do nothing but lift barbells and go swimming and all that good stuff, but then I've got those days where all I'd rather do is sit around and be lazy. I'm sure you know what I mean. I was just telling my husband that he should get some exercise, what with all the wine he drinks at the bars every night - 

Princess Rei starts to cry. 

Scene: Outside in the hall. 

Trinity 1: I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. 

Trinity 2: Do you think subjecting her to the Jabberbox was necessary, sir? 

Leonard: That is my decision. 

Leonard presses a button on the wall. The door slides back into place, cutting off the sound of Manna's chattering voice and Rei's muffled frantic shrieks.   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, Ltd. - Name that cameo!  
Copyright May 8, 2001_


	16. One More Time

One More Time   
  


* * *

  


Scene: CG pan of the 'bad' part of Yorkland; crumbling buildings, many riddled with blaster shots, make up the lion's share of the landscape. Several forms can be seen walking about in the dark backstreets. Many of them are Monsters, intermixed with a handful of Mystics. Only a couple of Humans and Mecs can be seen, and these tend to hang back in doorways. 

Red: Looks like our Trinity friends beat us here. No normals or Mecs out on the streets where they can be picked up. 

Lute: Think we can give them the slip? 

Red: We should be able to reach the pub without too much trouble. I know a few back ways around this place. 

The Magi starts down the alley. 

PzkwV: Any that won't get us mugged? 

Red: turning You're getting picky on me now? 

Scene: Lute, Red, and the Mecs make their way through the back alleys of Yorkland, headed towards one of the more prominent bars, when suddenly... 

Trinity 1: Hold up there! You with the Mecs! 

Lute: (Oh great!) 

Red: (Just play it cool.) Can we help you gentlemen? 

Trinity 3: We have reason to believe that a Mec or Mecs have escaped from Despair and are hiding out in this region. 

PzkwV: Despair? Even G here could make up a - 

T260G: *KICK* 

PzkwV: Hey! 

Trinity 1: How long have you kids had these Mecs? 

Red: hissed See! KID! 

Lute: Umm - 

Red: Three seasons now. We're rather attached to these guys. 

Trinity 1: I don't suppose you have the receipt? 

Red: Who'd carry that with them? 

Trinity 3: These Mecs are pretty heavily armed. You aren't making whiskey with them. 

T260G: Self and friend are - 

Lute: *KICK* Security! Our personal bodyguards. You oughta know best what it's like to travel in this part of town. 

Trinity 2: I'm not convinced. 

Trinity 1: What's with all the kicking? 

Lute: Oh, that's just for the built-in radio. 

Trinity 3: I get it. You change channels by kicking it. *KICK* 

PzkwV: Cut it out!! 

Trinity 2: Does it get country? *KICK* 

PzkwV: &#@% THIS! 

*sound of multiple shells slamming home* 

Red: DIVE! 

PzkwV: SHOOT-ALL!!! 

Suddenly, the alley is transformed into the Fourth of July as swarms of missiles and gun blasts thoroughly eradicate all trace of the Trinity troops. 

Lute: picking himself up off of the ground There goes the element of surprise. 

T260G: Actions should help Urban Renewal programs. 

Red: Probably the whole town knows we're here now. 

T260G: Visibility increase estimated 20,000%. 

PzkwV: Good! Everyone'll know to not mess with us! 

Lute: How much ammo do you have left? 

PzkwV: ... 

Lute: That's what I thought! 

Red: To the pub! Double-time!   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, Ltd. - ALWAYS carry a spare!  
Copyright May 18, 2001_


	17. ...a More Wretched Hive...

...a More Wretched Hive  
  


* * *

  


Scene: Interior of The Sub-Cellar. Smoke from several varieties of cheap cigarettes and other kinds of drugs fill the air with an acrid taste and a dingy haze. Humans, a couple of Mystics, and Monsters of many sorts pack the tables and barstools. Beside a pair of pinball machines is a dance platform and pole, where a skeleton provocatively tries to entice some credits from drunk voyeurs. In the far corner, competing with an old battered and bullet-hole-ridden jukebox, is the house 3-headed-1-Monster band, laying down the funk. A strange creature resembling a man built out of jigsaw puzzle pieces mans the taps, pouring out some of Yorkland's finest to a lot of its worst, while his OgreLord buddy makes sure everybody plays nice, or else.   
The door creaks open, and sunlight makes a weak attempt to stab through the smoke before dejectedly retreating back through the entrance. Red, Lute, and the two Mecs enter and close the door, taking a minute to let their eyes adjust to the smokey darkness. Suddenly the bar goes silent. 

Bartender: You kids! 

Lute looks around mutely as everyone in the bar stares at his group, then numbly points a finger to his own chest 

Bartender: Yeah you! Get rid of the walking slot machines! We don't serve pit-fighters here! 

Lute: Oh, c'mon, they won't be any trou - 

Bartender: Get rid of them before I have Bruno put a barrel or two in your soul! And I ain't talking whiskey! 

A figure at the other end of the bar looks up glazedly from his drink 

Ashton: Barrel? 

Bruno: No, sir, you's had enough. 

Ashton: BARRELBARRELBARRELBARRELBARRELBARRELBARRELBARREL - 

Ashton flies head-first through the (still closed) door, courtesy of Bruno Airlines. Bruno pulls out an HG-Cannon and fires a round to follow Ashton out. The rest of the bar erupts in cheers. Some money exchanges hands. 

PzkwV: ... 

T260G: Self and friend Mec will guard door from outside. 

Lute: Umm, you do that! 

Red: Good strategy!   


* * *

  
  
_Sariel V, Humor LTD. - Wanna see my barrel?  
Copyright May 31, 2001_


	18. The Heroes Assemble?

The Heroes Assemble?  
  


* * *

  


Scene: Interior of The Sub-Cellar. T260G and PzkwV quietly exit the door under the watchful eyes of Bruno. As the Mecs exit, the low conversations at the surrounding tables begin to pick up again. Red surveys the room for likely prospects. 

Red: Watch carefully, young Lute. 

Lute: What am I supposed to be watching for, old man? 

Red: *ignoring Lute* Picking a smuggler is much like choosing a fine wine. 

Lute: Anyone ever tell you you're loony? 

Red: There are many to choose from, and all have their strengths and weaknesses, but very few will suit us for our purposes. Have a seat and watch the master in action. 

Lute: Master of what? 

Red: You there! Gotta ship we can borrow? 

Lute: *sitting* I've got a bad feling about this. 

Lute slides into a booth, not quite realizing it is already occupied. 

Slime: !@!*! !! !'''!.... !!! 

Lute: Oh! Excuse me! Guess I should watch where I sit. 

Slime: !##!! !!! ...... ! 

Lute: Yeah, I'll be more careful, little fell'r. How's about I buy you a drink. 

An hour later. 

Red: *approaching* Hey, Lute I found... Lute? 

Lute: Buuuut giv' me a rambolin'.... rover! [HIC] 

Slime: ...........!!! ....!! '''!'!' !!! !!!!!!!!!! [%%%%] !!!! 

Lute: Tha's.... tha's' pritty good! We'llll ro-am th' country overrr... 

Red: You're worse than my roomie! 

Lute: Heeeey, i's that old guy.... and lots of 'im. Have a seats! 

Red: Lute, I've found us a ride to Devin. We'll be leaving shortly, so say goodbye to your friend here. 

Slime: ^^!!!! 

Lute: Good... goodbye? Nawnawnawnaw... he's comin' with us! 

Red: WHAT!?!? 

Slime: ''!!!!! [%%%%] 

Lute: I told him... all about everything. He wantsh ta join on. Shays he'll be a big help. 

Red: Look, I'm sorry Lute, but your drinking buddy stays! 

Slime: !!!! '' '''' '' ''' $$$!$' !$!$ !#! 12 '''!!! !!!! 

Red: Huh? 

Lute: He shaysh, you'd best watch [HIC] your... shelf. He has a... a death sen-tence in... twelove regions! 

Red: Is that so? 

Slime: !#@%@! 

Lute: No need for that kind of lan-gu-age! 

Red: Look! A flock of turtles! 

Everyone in the bar follows Red's pointing finger. 

*FLASH* 

*zt-zt-zt* 

Lute: I don't... ssee.. 

Slime: *falls apart into 4 pieces* 

Lute: Hey.... tha'ssa neat trick! How'd he do that? 

Red: Undoubtedly the effects of underage drinking *hides RaySword* C'mon, let's go chat with the captain. 

Lute: Cap'n... Cap'n Kirk? 

Red: Yeah. Whomever. Him. Let's go!  
  


* * *

  


_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Admit it, you always wanted to do it to that tag-along!  
Copyright June 22, 2001_  
The Ramblin' Rover_ by Andy M. Stewart_


	19. The Heroes Assemble. Really.

The Heroes Assemble. Really. 

Scene: Interior of The Sub-Cellar. Red and an inebriated Lute sit down at a table already occupied by two others. One is a mammoth fuzzy humanoid creature, fearsome looking yet with a gentle look in its eyes, wearing an oversized ring on its hand and a small crystalline orb set in a bandoleer strapped over its chest. The other is a human, perhaps in his late twenties with ash-blonde hair and a mischievous mien. At his hip, concealed by his seating angle, is a lethal-looking gun. Both are sipping from appropriately sized glasses, keeping a wary eye on the other bar goers and the door. The man nods at the two approaching adventurers. 

Locke: This is your friend? 

Lute: I'm... EVERYBUDDY'S friend! hee hee. 

Red: Pardon him. Yes, this is Lute. 

Locke: shaking Lute's hand I'm Locke Cole, treasure hunter and captain of the Esperwilde. This is Umaro, my first mate and copilot. 

Umaro: Merro. 

Lute: The whoseper wild? 

Locke: Esperwilde. Umaro says you're looking to blow this popsicle stand. 

Red: Yes we are... but we're in an extreme hurry. We've no time for the scenic tour. 

Locke: Scenic tour? This is the Esperwilde you're talking about! 

Lute: The whoseper wild? 

Locke: Esperwilde! 

Lute: inching hand towards Cole's glass Mind if I have some of... 

Locke: Yes! 

Red: This is the first we've heard of your ship. 

Locke: Umaro. Esperwilde's Awards. 

Umaro: Drin-dy fahf humrd, sef diate. Snurrerse jalnz free-ers rummin. Moss prebur cannonbliss, ranchamin, cue the spainchop, richrunner swikle, riscos on. 

Red looks non-plussed. 

Locke: Trinity 500, '78, Smuggler's Challenge, three years running, Mosperiburg Canyon Blitz, Grand Champion, The list goes on. 

Red: still non-plussed Cue the spainchop? 

Locke: sweatdrop Cutest Paint Job, Ridgerunner's Weekly.   
  


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_Sariel V Humor, LTD - Svunn! Y'unner zdan?  
Copyright July 10, 2001_


	20. Proof One Should Pay Attention

Proof One Should Pay Attention  
  


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Red: All right. I'm suitably impressed. 

Lute sneaks Locke's glass and starts sipping. 

Red: How much is this going to run? 

Locke: That's going to depend on what I'm hauling. 

Red: Just us, a pair of Mecs, to Devin. 

Umaro: Ebin? 

Locke: If you want your fortune told, Umaro could do it for half the price and twice the accuracy. 

Red: shakes his head We need to get there as quickly as possible. 

Locke: That can be done. 

Red: WITHOUT run-ins with Trinity. 

Lute: No nono... Trin'ty be bad. 

Locke: Are you political refugees or something? 

Red: And no questions asked. 

Locke: Hmmm. Well, the Esperwilde is definitely your ship... 

Lute: Oscar Wilde? 

Umaro: Enuff! 

Locke: but all these extras are going to cost you. Ten thousand credits. 

Lute: spitting out his stolen drink, instantly sober TEN THOUSAND!!?!? 

Red winces. 

Lute: Can't you give him a senior citizen discount? 

Red: Don't MAKE me hurt you! 

Locke: In advance, if you don't mind. 

Lute: Forget it! We could buy this bar and fortify it for less! 

Locke: Against the Trinity army? You're insane. 

Red: How about we give you two thousand now.... and fifteen once we hit Devin? 

CG of dollar signs flip in Locke's eyes. sound effect - CHA-CHING! 

Locke: I think that will do! You can find us in Docking Bay 94 over at the secondary strip. We'll leave when you're ready. 

Lute: SEVENTEEN THOUSAND!!?!? 

Red: Excellent. We have a deal, then? 

Locke: Darn right! 

Lute: grabbing Red No, look at me! SEVENTEEN! 

Red: hissingShout it for the rest of the bar to hear, why don't you? 

Umaro: Zdat Drindy auffer dare? points 

Locke: You guys might want to head out and get ready... looks like you got friends in the wrong places. 

Scene: Pan over across the bar, to where a small group of Trinity soldiers are looking over the dissected body of Slime and interviewing the surrounding patrons. 

Red: grabs Lute by the lapels We're gone. Docking bay 94! 

Lute: Whoah! 

Red quickly drags Lute out through a side door, trampling several other shady characters also trying to get out. 

Locke: Seven - frickin' - teen! They've got to be the biggest pair of suckers we've dealt with! 

Umaro: Urwee ore. 

Locke: nods Or we are! Go get the Esperwilde ready. 

Umaro: Murghee. downs his glass and exits. 

Locke: Now where's my... grabs his empty glass drink... 

Scene: Outside the Sub-Cellar. Red, Lute and the Mecs hurriedly make their way through the back alleys. 

Lute: trying to keep up Where the heck are we going to get seventeen thousand credits!? 

Red: Who said anything about seventeen thousand credits? 

Lute: YOU did! Back there! 

Red: I said two thousand now, and fifteen when we get to Devin. 

Lute: That's seventeen thousand! 

Red: No. That's Two Thousand and Fifteen. 

PzkwV stops and breaks up laughing. 

Lute: laughs If we survive this trip, I'm buying you a drink. 

Red: All right, but none for you!  
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V, Humor LTD. - Sometimes the outtakes are funnier than the original.  
Copyright August 2, 2001_


	21. Some People are Just Touchy

Some People are Just Touchy 

Scene: Back inside the Sub-Cellar... 

Locke: That little... chuckling I suppose I can only blame myself. 

As Locke begins to stand, a strange green-skinned troll-like creature, casually passing by, flings Locke back into his seat and takes the one opposite him. 

Gozarus: Going somewhere, thief? 

Locke: That's 'Treasure Hunter', dammit! Look, I'm in a hurry. Tell Dulla I have his credits coming! 

Gozarus: It's too late for that, Cole. Now you'll be paying with slivers of your life! 

Locke: But I have the money this time! 

Gozarus: I'll make you a deal then. 

Locke: I've heard that before. 

Gozarus: Give me the money, and we go separate ways today. 

Locke: What kind of fool would keep ten thousand credits on him? Tell Dulla - 

Gozarus: Forget it. Dulla hasn't got time for 'treasure hunters' that go dipping into his shipments. 

Locke: snarling That headless horseman isn't the only person I owe money. Have you heard about my alimony payments? 

Gozarus: If you hadn't cheated on Rachel, you might not have that problem. 

Locke: muttering I wouldn't be smuggling either, you greedy troll. 

Gozarus: I'm tired of debating with you, thief. You're proving that you'll be worth more to me dead than alive. How much do you think the Han will pay me for- 

Locke unloads his blaster into the hapless mystic. 

Locke: THAT'S TREASURE HUNTER! TREASURE HUNTER!!  
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Dulla the Han played by the aptly-named Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Fic  
Copyright August 2, 2001_


	22. Meanwhile, Somewhere Between Dimensions

Meanwhile, Somewhere Between Dimensions   


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Scene: Bridge of the Hyperion. Possibly over a hundred technicians busy themselves at their terminals as Rastaban oversees final preparations. The sliding doors to the main corridor part as the golden Mec enters. 

Leonard: Simply amazing. Even with her brain nearly reduced to Jello by the jabberbox, she still resists my interrogations. 

Rastaban: This is unexpected. I don't like resorting to direct torture, but it may be the only way. 

Trinity Tech 2: Commander, all systems check out. Where do we take this bad boy? 

Leonard: Have a care, Lieutenant! You are not speaking with Captain Mondo, here. 

Trinity Tech 2: S-s-sorry, Sir! 

Rastaban: That gives me an idea... Mondo is so hot to blow Devin into tiny bits, why don't we let the fair Princess have one last look at her home? 

Leonard: You think she will change her mind? 

Rastaban: Who's to say? But I think it presents an interesting alternative... 

Leonard: It's little wonder you're a politician.   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - Diabolical Scheming at Affordable Prices  
Copyright September 4, 2001_


	23. And They're Off!

And They're Off!   
  


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Scene: Entrance to Docking Bay 94. An extremely bored Umaro stands watching the door, tapping his foot and absentmindedly twirling his hair. The door slides open, and Red, Lute, and the Mecs enter. The stop and stare as they get their first glimpse of the Epserwilde. 

Cut to CG: pan of Esperwilde. The Esperwilde resembles a large, mulitple-masted schooner, attached to what appears to be a dirigible. Many of the fans that once set the dirigible in motion have been replaced with turbines, and the mylar of the balloon has been reinforced with laser-reflective polymers and steel banding. Remarkably old, the ship is fairly beat up and scored with markings from laser fire, mostly hidden by spritely-colored paint. 

Red: *obviously impressed* Wow! 

PzkwV: *not impressed* What the?! 

Lute: *also not impressed* We're flying in THAT thing? 

Umaro: Myep. 

Lute: Which desert did you dig that fossil out of? 

Locke: *descending the gangplank* That's a closely guarded secret. 

PzkwV: You're right! It DOES have a cute paint job! 

Umaro: Fangyu. 

Lute: Can it even get off the ground? 

The group approaches the ship; Lute and the Mecs are wary, but Red seems to be in awe. 

Locke: Trust me kid, this isn't like the bicycle you use to deliver papers. She may look run down, but she's still got more moves left than a Baccarat lounge singer. 

Red: This is the real thing, isn't it? Just like they used in ancient times. 

Locke: I always had a soft spot for nostalgia. 

Red: *coming around* If you don't mind, we're in a hurry. Are you ready to go? 

Locke: Just as soon as get aboard... and pay for tickets. 

PzkwV: What's the rush? I've been scanning for Trinity since we left the bar. No one's following us. 

The door bursts open as several Trinity soldiers hastily enter. 

Trinity 4: There they are! 

Trinity Division Leader: Destroy everything! 

PzkwV: *slaps forehead* 

Trinity Division Leader: KILL! KILL! KILL! 

Trinity 2: Didn't we do that to you already? 

Red: *shaking head* Who didn't see this coming? 

Locke: Everyone! On board now! 

T260G: *dragging PzkwV* Friend schedules checkup ASAP! 

Trinity 7: My turn! *fires DestructionBeam at Division Leader* 

Trinity 1: No, mine! 

The entire Trinity force blow away their annoying division leader as our heroes slip on board. Locke pulls an Aguni-MBX and starts firing at the soldiers. 

Locke: *humming*One*BLAM*-little-two*BLAM*-little-three*BLAM*-little-idiots! 

Trinity Division Leader: ki..ll... 

Trinity 3: *shot by Locke and dies* 

Trinity 5: !@*^!%@! Get them! 

The Trinity forces turn and fire on the Esperwilde. 

Locke: Four*BLAM*-little-fi - Whoh! *barely dodging DestructionBeam*   
  


* * *

  
_Sariel V Humor, LTD. - You'd kill me if I stopped here, now, wouldn't you?  
Copyright August 2, 2001_  


OUTTAKES 

Red: This is the real thing, isn't it? Just like they used in ancient times. 

Locke: Of course it is! Name one Final Fantasy where old stuff wasn't better and more powerful! 

Lute: By that reasoning, FF6 is just plain godlike. 

Terra: (off-camera) Shut up! 


End file.
